About Relationships at 40

I am very afraid of the word “love.” For me, it is always about “must”: to provide, to meet expectations, to reshape myself — in short, to violate myself in some way. That is why I call this very love with an unpleasantly neutral word — “relationships” (it is essentially the same thing, just frightening).

It seems to me (I might be a million times wrong) that relationships at 40 are much simpler and more honest than those that begin at 20. There are just a few very simple and clear principles here that should NEVER be broken:

1. The right to the past. The person you love has already lived quite a lot — often intensely. They have made many mistakes and achieved many victories. Accepting them as they are and not trying to rewrite their past — this is how tenderness is formed.
2. The right to privacy. Never ask and, most importantly, never try to find out what happened in a person’s past. The internet is full of nonsense about each of us. Whatever is important, they will tell you themselves. The rest is irrelevant in your relationship — this is how trust is formed.
3. The right to the present. The person who is now beside you has already achieved something. They are doing something now to achieve again. They have their own work, their hobbies, their thoughts. Do not intrude, but support — this is how respect is formed.
4. The right to the future. In relationships at 40, people do not look at each other but in the same direction. It seems extremely important to me not to live by the principle: “I’ll be with him because I’m tired of loneliness and afraid I’ll die alone in my apartment and my face will be eaten by Zhuzha,” but only if there is something truly important ahead to share. Strangely enough, this hardly matters at 20, when people marry for different reasons, being very compromising, and common goals are FOUND along the way (or not), or the family is cemented by a child (not always, but it is a powerful bond). At 40, people are generally far less compromising, and having children is not always relevant anymore (it’s hard enough to raise the ones you already have). So, I repeat: being together should not be because you are alone and there is no one else around, but only because of shared purpose (otherwise you will split up anyway, and with every year it becomes more painful). This is how a family is formed.

To me, it is obvious: relationships in your 20s or 30s change a person almost completely. Relationships at 40 hardly change a person anymore. We are already formed and, in essence, difficult to re-educate. But…

Relationships at 40 make each person in them many times stronger. Because when you are together and share a common goal (and no, I don’t mean buying a car or an apartment, but something truly meaningful), then mutual support, a shared understanding of the world, principles, competences, and resources — multiplied by love (oops, I slipped :)) — amplify each person’s strength not just by two (though there are two in a relationship), but by thousands.

And that is exactly why these relationships are so important and so necessary for us.

P.S. This post is not about those lucky ones who married at 20 and are still happy in their families. By forty, the bonds in such families are completely different. And yes, I truly envy you.

Alyona VLADIMIRSKAYA